“Daring Greatly” by Brené Brown (personal notes)

Here are my sparse notes on the little-known book Daring Greatly by Brené Brown. Soundtrack.

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.
There is no intimacy without vulnerability.
Use humour to ease vulnerability. (× laugh about it (Sex Talks); lightness)
Both men and women are facing their respective struggles. We’re both having a hard time! Let’s do this together!
Risks are reduced when confronted. Acknowledging vulnerability makes you less vulnerable. When we acknowledge our vulnerability, we can take preventive measures that make ourselves less vulnerable. (× proactivity)
Normalize discomfort, instead of trying to make things comfortable. Growth and learning are inherently uncomfortable. (e.g. hard conversations, etc.) Discomfort is a sign that you’re growing. (× Come As You Are, being okay being in emotionally uncomfortable places — it “stops feeling scary”)
- Cultures (and relational cultures) where discomfort is okay. (× fear at Comfort Zone Crusher challenges — just a feeling; you do it anyway)
Public speaking: Address your speech to specific people. Imagine that you are giving the speech to a few particular people, e.g. specific friends of yours.

Connection is the energy created between people when they feel seen and valued. (× How to Know a Person)
Trust grows in the small moments — repeated many times.
“The betrayal of disengagement” “Of not caring. Of letting the connection go. Of not being willing to devote time and effort to the relationship. […] When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop carying, stop paying attention, stop investing, and stop fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in.”
- Disengagement is pernicious because of the lack of evidence: you cannot point to a concrete wrong.

Be in the arena.
- “I’m with you. In the arena. And when we fail, we’ll fail together, while daring greatly.” (“If you go, I go.”)
- By acting bravely, we remind ourselves of our freedom and agency. (× Pavlina: “Be a do-er”; The Courage to Live Consciously “jump!”)
- Accept feedback only from people also in the arena.

Shame vs guilt: “I am bad” vs “I did something bad”.
- (All About Love: “That which is rendered separate or strange through fear (or shame) is made whole through perfect love.”; “Love knows no shame.”; The antidote to shame is not sympathy or pity — “Poor you”; it is empathy — “Me too.” (Improvise); “Shame needs secrecy and judgment to thrive” (Brené Brown) (Sex Talks); Conspiracy of Silence (Design of Everyday Things))
- We all have shame. Shame is human. You are not alone.
- Shame is the fear of disconnection.
- Shame is self-protective; gets in the way of vulnerability. It is difficult to share what we judge in ourselves. “We can’t let ourselves be seen if we’re terrified by what people might think.”
  - Talk about shame to eliminate it. “The more you talk about shame, the less we have it.” (× Sex Talks: talk about sex every day; Sex Talks: normalize sex / talk about it / no big deal)
  - Shame heals best socially. Shame heals with empathy. Social hurts need a social balm.
  - Ask for what you need, when you feel shame.
We judge others in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame.

“What’s worth doing even if I fail?” (× fail forward; failure bow; failure résumé; celebrate mistakes; failure as data point)
In our faults and limitations, we can also find our strengths.
If you own the story, you get to write the ending. (× life stories, know your story to write the next chapter (How to Know a Person))
Art is what most closely resembles what it is like to be human. Art lets us present uncategorized feelings and emotions (× Creative Being; art the fruit of humans; How to Know a Person).
- “It is our nature to be imperfect. […] To make things that don’t sometimes necessarily make sense.” (× “Die wahre Herausforderung ist es, ohne Anlass wahnsinnig zu sein”…)

People are desperate for feedback — we all want to grow. It can just be tricky to get it.
Show empathy when giving feedback. “I know it’s challenging to …” / “I had trouble as well when I started…”
Receive feedback (anywhere) just before giving it — helps you put yourself in the receiver’s shoes.
- To give good feedback, regularly receive feedback.
Loving self-talk: Talk to yourself as you would talk lovingly to a friend (× How to Know a Person; using 2nd or 3rd person).

Management:
- Create a culture of not-knowing. Management shouldn’t be seen as “knowing all the answers” — this sends the message to subordinates that they know less. (× The Toyota Way) (× How to Know a Person: “an insecure world is a world with fewer questions”).
- Create the space for others to perform. (× delegate the goal, not the method (Clear Thinking) (not micro-managing); give autonomy (Measure What Matters))

Avoiding life through busi-ness. We want to escape life by remaining busy — blind to what is the most important. We believe if we stay busy, the truth of life won’t catch up to us. (× too busy to question what you’re busy with (Essentialism); if you don’t know what’s the most important thing, the most important thing is to figure it out (Essentialism))
Aspirational vs practiced values. Write down your ideals; then write down how you actually live, feel, behave, think. Bridge the gap. Walk the talk. (× Skin in the Game)

The empathetic smile, “I’ve been in this, you’re not alone, I’m with you” — e.g. from parents to parents as a child is having a tantrum.